KailØ

Hello, friend,

I'm Antonín. But on the net, you'll mostly find me as Kailo.

Why Kailo? The year is 2007, I boot up WoW for the first time and stare at the hardest screen in the game - name selection. I knew I was picking an identity that would stick with me for a while. I played an Undead, so I was fishing in the depths of the internet and my own mind for something that would fit an undead resurrecting other undead. Out popped "Kailen". It got shortened to Kailo by a female guildmate from our long-dead guild (irony of fate). It caught on, even though it practically doesn't save a single syllable. Today it's my email, my artistic signature, and a name I've answered to for nearly two decades.

And now the essentials - what am I actually about? This will be quick and unfiltered. I've worked in IT for over ten years and I love technology. Hand me Apple Shortcuts and I can absolutely lose myself in building absurdly complex systems for literally anything. At the same time, I live for music, primarily raw underground techno, and I absolutely eat up film studies. I have a decade-long track record of hitting up various film festivals and writing analytical reviews.

Despite all this analytical and technical thinking, I have a university degree in philosophy with an overlap in psychology. Which, given my current situation, is pretty solid irony.

See, I drew the psychiatric bingo: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), ADHD, anxiety-depressive disorder, and soon I'll probably add a paper saying I'm on the spectrum. Living with my neurodivergent brain felt so unnavigable that I tried to pack it in twice. Currently I'm in treatment at Psychiatric Hospital Bohnice, more or less homeless, jobless, and broke AF (lucky for me minimalism is cool these days). I don't have many friends in real life - people usually bore me. On the other hand, I have plenty of digital acquaintances, their attention is apparently keeping me alive.

And then there's Nicole. I fell in love with her so recklessly that it's now forcing me into absolutely brutal self-reflection - because I simply can't afford to lose her. I would have never believed I could feel this kind of love. And I especially wouldn't have believed I'd find someone so perfectly goofy, blunt, and yet so incredibly empathetic and loving as her.

I was a cynic for so long that I practically went blind to anything good in this world. But then I walked into that cafe, saw her, and it was immediately clear that I was in deep. She had such an aura around her that I just told myself - that's exactly the girl I want, and the one I'm going to get. The world might objectively be going to shit, but right now I feel like the luckiest bastard under the sun. Because she literally brought me back to life. I spent so much time locked inside my own head and she dragged me back to the present. She showed me how to see beauty again. When I hear her talk and especially sing (because she has a perfect voice and sings beautifully) or see her smile, I want to slow down time.

That's also the reason my brain occasionally throws an error and I get terrified that she'll get bored of me. It's my fucked-up paradox with anxious attachment - I want to sort it out for my own sake, but in reality, I'm largely doing it just because I'm scared to death I'll lose her otherwise.

But then she texts me that she's learning to accept love without having to earn it, and that is everything to me. I know her brain sometimes creates a false sense of urgency and forces her to perform. But 'ordinary Nicole' is exactly what I want. With me, she doesn't have to work for love. She doesn't have to perform.

She is an amazing, talented, and capable person. I want to share the good with her, but also deal with all the bullshit around it. I want to be her partner in life. And when the pressure falls on her again and the feeling that she has to handle everything right now, I'll be here to force her to slow down. I know for sure she can figure it all out, but I want her to know she isn't and never will be alone in it. I've got her back. I love her and I just want to see her happy.
So in a way, this whole blog is a love letter to her.

Oh, and I protect my privacy a lot, but at the same time I'm an absolute chatterbox and an open book who will gladly invite you into my mental mess. Read, explore, ask away.